


Sex and the Single Kaiju

by MiraMira



Category: Original Work
Genre: Aliens, Background Femslash, Crack, F/F, Fanfiction, Gen, Matchmaking, Monsters, Show Business, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-11 02:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15305313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraMira/pseuds/MiraMira
Summary: Dating is hard enough when you have a tendency to breathe fire and destroy cities without warning.  It's even harder when your far more outgoing sister is determined to set you up at all costs.





	Sex and the Single Kaiju

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lunarium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarium/gifts).



> Apologies for coming up with what is probably the least sexy story about this particular combination of characters that could ever be written, Lunarium, but I adored your sister suggestion and decided to run with it. (And maybe at some point, I can circle back and explore Siobhan's undoubtedly fascinating dynamic with the roommate she wound up with by accident.)

“For the last time, no, Ursula.” Ryoko stomped off to the rear of her cave, as much to ensure she wouldn’t hit anything flammable should her temper continue to rise as to punctuate the statement for her sister.

“But--” Ursula oozed after her, interposing herself with a sinuous twist between Ryoko and the wall. Self-preservation never _had_ been her strongest instinct, Ryoko reflected.

“I said no. You need me to throw in a safeword?”

Ursula attempted to place all her upper tentacles on her hips at once, nearly unbalancing herself in the process. “Very funny.”

Sure enough, Ryoko’s sigh contained a tiny trace of steam. “Look, you know I’m happy show biz is treating you well. That doesn’t mean I’m interested in joining you.”

“It’s not like that, Ry,” Ursula insisted. “Siobhan doesn’t do adult entertainment. She doesn’t even do fiction. We met because she needed background research for a documentary on inter-sentient intimacy.”

“Oh, even better,” said Ryoko with a sneer, rolling all five of her eyes. “Another self-indulgent wallow in human guilt over the plight of the noble, misunderstood monster. At least the old creature features don’t condescend.”

“She’s not...look, just talk to her, okay?” Ursula continued to give chase as Ryoko made for the other back corner: slightly less desirable from a fire-prevention standpoint, but she’d been meaning to prune her manga collection anyway. “It doesn’t have to be about business or anything in particular. I think you two would like each other, is all.”

She came to an abrupt, ground-shaking halt. “Okay, now I really _do_ need a safeword, because ‘stop fucking trying to set me up’ clearly isn’t cutting it.”

Ursula affected a wide-eyed look that would’ve seemed more at home on the hapless (and largely talentless) “college students” from her early films, back when she was still more likely to be billed as “The Thing” than by name. “I wasn’t--”

“You were,” Ryoko growled. “You _shouldn’t_ be, but you were. And here I thought you’d learned your lesson after what happened with that personal trainer.”

“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Ursula sighed.

“They tried to sell me to an intergalactic traveling circus!”

“See? How could you expect me to predict something that crazy? If I’d known, I’d have eaten them myself!”

They stared each other down in silence for a moment. Ryoko was the first to break, fighting back a laugh in spite of herself. “I’m happy, Sully,” she said at last, hoping the old childhood nickname would inspire nostalgia rather than indignation. “Really. My life is perfectly fine as is. I know you don’t understand how that’s possible without a partner, but--”

Ursula shrugged, setting off a mini-tremor of her own. “Just because I don’t know what it’s like not to have to worry about hormone surges doesn’t mean I don’t get it in the abstract.” Tears and other secretions glistened in the corner of her eyes as she reached out a set of tentacles to stroke Ryoko’s right shoulder ridge. “But you’re not an abstract, and ‘perfectly fine’ is not fabulous. You deserve fabulous, Ry, whether you want to believe it or not.” She glanced around the lair, gaze lingering on the carryout boxes Ryoko still hadn’t gotten around to discarding. “Besides, _your_ instincts still mean you have to come out of this cave some time, and I think deep down you’ll be happier if it’s not because you suddenly got the urge to destroy Vancouver.”

“Why would I want to destroy Vancouver? Ontario, maybe, but--”

“Ry.” Even recognizing Ursula’s soothing tones as an approximation of the voice she’d developed for her “Monster Sugar Mama” series, Ryoko ceased her attempts at distraction and stood at quiet attention. “Let me just show you her picture.”

She reached into one of her fanny packs and pulled out a headshot, which Ryoko took gingerly between thumb and forefinger.

“Oh,” she said at last. Siobhan - or whatever the dense, looping Rigellian script beneath the English characters gave as her true name - was a delicate eight-foot beauty, with skin of pale seafoam green, a trio of long-lashed eyes whose violet hues seemed to extend beyond the visible spectrum, and a warm, inviting smile.

“Well?” asked Ursula smugly.

Ryoko thrust the photo back as though it might burn her. “ _Frack_ no.”

“But,” Ursula protested, massaging her bruised tentacle, “I don’t get it. She’s your type, isn’t she?”

“If by ‘type’ you mean ‘doomed to result in crushing disappointment,’ then sure.” The fact this _was_ a fairly accurate summation of Ryoko’s type did little to improve her mood. “She’s a gorgeous, accomplished director! I’m lucky if I can get out five words in public before someone mistakes my mumbling for an impending attack and calls the National Guard.”

“A director _and_ writer.” Ursula corrected.

She let out a short laugh, sending the last tenacious books tumbling from the shelves. Good thing she’d had the foresight to strap down everything in the kitchen. “Right, because that makes it better.”

“You’re a writer. You can talk about what you’re working on.”

As much as Ursula could go on about wanting to subvert mindless tentacle monster stereotypes in her work, sometimes Ryoko swore she was determined to lean into the cliches. “I am _not_ discussing fanfiction with someone who makes an actual living at this.”

Ursula flushed green. “Oh. Because, I, um...might’ve already given her your username?”

“You _what?!_ ” A jet of fire shot from Ryoko’s nostrils across the room, setting her autographed Ghost Soup Infidel Purple poster alight. She cursed as she pounded over to smother the flames, not certain whether to direct the expletives at the blaze or Ursula.

“No, wait!” Ursula unknotted the tentacles she had been twisting in agitation and squirmed over to Ryoko’s laptop. “It’s okay! I’ll show you!”

Fifteen minutes later, with the damage contained, Ryoko relieved her sister of her struggles to manage the keyboard, instead reluctantly letting Ursula direct her to a string of comments on her latest story. She’d been so proud of it, and reasonably satisfied with the kudos ratio. But thinking of it exposed to harsh outsider scrutiny...why, oh why hadn’t she locked her account?

“See?” Ursula pointed, as Ryoko stared in disbelief at the spot she appeared to be indicating. “That’s her right there. MeloranWanderer03.”

“That’s not funny.” Ryoko managed as flatly as she could, fearing another eruption if she allowed any of her emotions to break the surface. MeloranWanderer03 was her favorite commenter. She was the only one who’d picked up on the themes of rebirth Ryoko had been trying to highlight with the Luke subplot. In fact, they’d been having a lovely back-and-forth that she’d been working up the courage to turn into a beta request. And Ursula actually expected her to believe...

“I’m not joking!” Ursula pleaded. “She showed me that comment string herself! I didn’t understand four-fifths of what she was saying, but she sounded really excited. And like she wanted to meet you in person.”

Ryoko absorbed this information in silence.

“Soooo?” asked Ursula finally.

She sighed, in somewhat less than resigned defeat. “I suppose if you were to get coffee with her again, and I happened to be in the neighborhood, I _might_ stop by for a few minutes?”

Ursula wriggled happily. “Good enough for me.” Her voice took on a slight persuasive purr. “And should you feel inclined to capture any footage, if things go well, I know my studio would--”

Ryoko’s nostrils flared again. “Don’t push it.”


End file.
